Entry #5
She is ME
Truthfully, seeing myself as the woman I am today feels like a fantasy. The turning point of my life was three years ago and today I stand here and still cringe a little about the past version of myself. But what’s growth without these experiences? So many choices I made and considerably I wouldn’t have it any other way because I would be different.
I am a work in progress, yet I am so proud of myself.
I use to allow people to speak to me disrespectfully, allow people to control my life and mind, and allow people to tell me who I needed to be. Finding yourself is a journey within itself, God places people at the starting point to help you initiate the process sometimes, but along the way, it’s up to you to decide where you want things to go. It's your life, nobody else’s, and it’s not a crime to choose to do things your way. Last year I decided to stop being so afraid of what others may think of me and just do things my way.
There was a friendship that I was apart of during these last three years that changed my life forever. We cried together, laughed together, grew together, traveled together, experienced life together and so on and so forth. Just know, from the time we woke up to the time we went to sleep we would have some form of communication every single day. We supported one another endlessly. This friendship helped me grow in ways I wasn’t able to do alone and til this day I am thankful that I met this person. However, as time went on I soon realized this friendship was becoming a blockage for me. I feared losing this person as a friend, feared being frowned upon by this person, and it led me to only prioritizing this person/their emotions and not nurturing myself to the fullest capacity or my other friendships. I was stuck. Along with feeling stuck, there were things within this friendship that I felt was forbidden to speak about, one of the biggest topics was love. With this forbidden topic, eventually came a friendship breakup. We stopped being friends because I chose to follow my heart by dating someone we worked with and it wasn’t agreed upon by this friend. Friendships aren’t meant to be controlling, judgmental, or used to put you down in anyway. This person knew I didn't have the best confidence at this time, so words that were spoken to me and about me were intended to hurt me.
As the woman I am today and to the woman I was then. I am no one’s doormat. I no longer will allow anyone to speak to me or treat me anyway due to their own opinions. Truth be told, the opinions people have of me and what I should be doing, doesn’t matter. This friendship mirrored to me portions of myself that I also needed to fix in the friendship aspect, not just relationships. I had to teach myself boundaries within friendships after that. I had to teach myself self respect and how to have faith in my decisions without people pleasing. I had to teach myself how to not be afraid of friendship abandonment, it is totally okay to be alone and you can flourish immensely. You will attract your people and in the case I still am. Separating myself from this friend was hard, but I began depending too much on the friendship and not on myself enough.
My confidence has since sky rocketed and I have never felt so close to myself since this has happened. It gave me the strength to truly pour into myself so much that, my faith in God and myself is something that can’t be questioned by outside sources. I learned how beautiful I truly am inside and out, flaws and all. I learned to embrace my mistakes. I learned to truly be myself unapologetically. I also learned that I truly am so powerful and capable of attracting everything I deserve with God’s unlimited support. I am excited for what the future holds for me and I know for certain that everyday is a new opportunity for me to start fresh.
She is me, and I am HER.
