Entry #3

A Decade Later…

Author’s Note: Play Free Fall- Tems as you read

Every human being on this earth has a “what if” person, the person you always had in your mind as being “the one” but it never seemed to align right. The one you once envisioned being your person, yet, you guys have such a rocky past that it always seemed delusional to think things would actually work out.

Although this individual carried many great traits, the negative traits outweighed the positive.This person chose other women instead of pursing me seriously, they constantly ghosted me, is emotionally unavailable, has a nonchalant persona, doesn’t take accountability fully, and this person that is constantly inconsistent. Yet, here we are, showing me all of these mixed signals and still you want me all to yourself but refuse to change. But I did lack boundaries at the time, blocking this person and unblocking them did become a game that I didn’t think would carry on for years.

This person made me feel like something was wrong with me because they didn’t choose me. They made me feel like I had to compete for their attention, compete for their love. I valued too much of their opinion and how they thought of me. This situation took more from me than it gave.

In the end, I learned they were just mirrors to portions of myself that I had to heal. They were reflecting onto me things that I refused to see from within.

Truth is, I was never a priority to begin with. And sometimes the truth hurts. There are so many people like this person that it’s a norm in today’s society. However, for some reason,  no matter how much time goes by, this person refuses to let you go. Time means nothing to them. The perspective I’ve gained regarding this is, they miss who you use to be, they chase to get the thrill of old potions of you that don’t exist anymore. The toxic you. They may watch you from afar via social media or from their friends profile, randomly text you months/years later “checking in” and for so long you allowed access because you treated this behavior as something they would grow out of.

But what if this cycle started at age 18, and you’re almost 28 now?

It’s been a decade. And I’ve grown, especially out of this toxic cycle that has done nothing but play with my mind and emotions in the past.

I’m finally over it, and have learned that there’s no reason to carry angry or frustrated emotions with this person because they’ve done nothing but show up as themselves. I just had to learn to value myself enough to no longer tolerate it.

None of this was easy. But it gets to the point where you realize,you are worth more than the situation you’re allowing to play with your mind and heart.

Finally, a year from turning 28, I decided to walk away fully. I realized this back and forth energy wasn’t doing anything but keeping me waiting. And guess what? After deciding things were done for good and I deserved more, I ran into the love of my life.

A lot of the time, we as women aren’t asking for a lot from a man, we are just asking the wrong man. You can love from afar and still care, but there’s so much opportunity waiting for you when you decide to let go. Yes it’s hard, but it’s not impossible.

To my women, waiting for a man to get himself together can be a non negotiable depending on the man. But never chase, never beg, never over play your part and give more than you receive. You’re worth more. A man is meant to pour into your already full cup, a man is suppose to add to your happiness not take away from it. A man will never leave you questioning anything.

Love isn’t meant to hurt. And finally a decade later, I’ve learned to love and be loved correctly and unapologetically. Even with this harsh lesson I still had to learn to keep my heart open and ready.

And you can too.

I’m officially free falling into the life I’ve always wanted as the person I’ve always wanted to be. This life is so safe, freeing, and unpredictable. I regret nothing from my past.